| i almost wish this was as difficult for you as is was for me.
honestly do you even care?
it doesn't seem like it.
this is when i need you most, and the one time you can't be here.
will i be a part of your past when you get back? a phase in your life? a fond memory?
i'm scared.
and you're not here to make me feel better.
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| I don't know what God wants from me. I kind of just want to throw up my hands and say I don't know anymore, I'm done. My life is going nowhere. I can't even get a job. I miss my best friend. He's so far away. Everyone told me that since God said I couldn't go to YMI that he'd bring something else along. Well He hasn't. I'm trying to be patient, I'm trying to have faith, I'm trying to trust, I'm trying to hang in there. It's too hard. It's too much. I can't. I want to be done with all this.
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| My best friend just left the continent for 6 months.
I cried myself to sleep.
This sucks.
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| i just typed out this really long thing
that let out all my feelings
and helped me clear a lot of things up
and be honest with myself
it probably would have been close to 2 pages on Word
and that's single spaced by the way
and then my computer froze
and now it's gone
i want to scream
i tried to start over
but i wasn't writing my thoughts
i was just trying to recreate what i had written
you wouldn't believe how frustrating it is
i mean really
it was this whole big thing
that i've never told anyone
and it felt so good to put it out in the open
and get it off of my mind for the first time in at least a month
it helped me understand how i felt
writing always does
reading what i've written helps even more
but now i'll never get a chance
this shouldn't be a big deal
it really shouldn't
it's just...
ok this is stupid, but here's what happened
i thought "it would suck to lose this" so i copied all the text just in case
and then internet explorer froze
"oh, tight, i just copied it, so i can paste it on Word and save it."
nope.
Word froze too
and everything shut down
and then it wasn't on the clipboard anymore
i hate technology
i could've just written it by hand
you know
pen? paper?
but i'm just too freaking lazy gosh this is bothering me a lot more than it should the one time i try to be honest with myself
and look what happens
maybe this is a sign |
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| It is so difficult.
Living my life while drowning in failure.
I don't know what to do.
I just don't know anymore. I just don't know anymore.
I am so confused.
Sometimes I wish I could be more than just a disappointment.
A hypocrite.
A liar.
But I can't. It is so difficult. |
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